


To Build A Family

by drivingmishcrazy



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Babies, Domestic Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Family, Family Feels, Love, Loving Marriage, Pregnancy, Same-Sex Marriage, Women in love and raising babies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:53:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26542483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drivingmishcrazy/pseuds/drivingmishcrazy
Summary: Tara Lewis and Emily Prentiss are happily married, madly in love, and ready to start a family. Their journey to parenthood will be fraught with danger and unforeseen difficulties. Will they get the family they want and manage to hold on to each other?
Relationships: Tara Lewis/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 8
Kudos: 50





	1. Chapter 1

Motherhood had been a long time coming for Tara Lewis and Emily Prentiss. Even before they were married, the two had discussed at length their desire to start a family, though they had  _ very  _ different ideas of what that would look like. Emily had long felt pulled towards adoption, the idea of giving a loving home to a child who needed it was something that had been close to her heart for quite some time. It was a conviction that Tara supported wholeheartedly, but in her heart she wanted the experience that the two of them conceiving a child would bring, a view that Emily had more than a few misgivings about.

“I don’t know.” Emily said. “Trying to get pregnant this late in the game? It could cause a lot of problems.”

“Or it could be fine.” Tara countered. “And we could end up with a beautiful baby that came from us.”

“A baby we adopted would be ours too.” Emily said pointedly. “Just in a less literal sense.”

“I know.” Tara said. “And I hear you, I would  _ love  _ for us to adopt in the future. I just want this way too.”

“We don’t even know if I  _ can  _ get pregnant.” Emily exclaimed. “You’ve seen my scars and being on the wrong side of forty won’t make it any easier.”

“We could still try.” Tara said. “What’s bothering you?”

Emily paused, choosing her words carefully as she searched her wife’s eyes. “I’m just scared that we would be setting ourselves up for heartbreak.”

“Okay.” Tara said. “That’s a valid point, but we could just as easily get our hearts broken if we went to adopt a child and it fell through. Opposite sex couples couples struggle with getting pregnant too, we’re taking a risk any way you slice it.”

“Why is this so important to you?” Emily asked. “Why does it matter  _ how  _ we start our family as long as it happens and everyone is happy and healthy?”

Tara sighed and took Emily’s hand. “I know it doesn’t make sense to you.” She said. “But this is something I’ve dreamed of since I was a little girl, even before I knew that falling in love with a woman was an option.”

Emily nodded. “Okay.”

“And if I could carry the baby myself, you know I would.” Tara said. “But I’ve been down that road before with my ex and it never ends well for me.”

“I know.” Emily said, rubbing her arm. “I’m sorry.”

“I just want the experience.” Tara said. “I know I’ll never experience it firsthand again, not with any kind of happy ending, but you still have a chance. Are you telling me that  _ you  _ wouldn’t love to know what it’s like to feel our baby grow inside of you? To know that our love and commitment made that possible?”

“Tara, of  _ course _ I would love that.” Emily sighed. “I’m just not sure that it  _ is  _ possible.”

“We won’t know if we never try.” Tara said. “And if it’s not meant to be, we’ll go ahead with adopting and I won’t breathe another word of it ever again.”

Emily gave her a long look. “This is something you  _ really  _ want.” She said. “Isn’t it?”

“Yeah, Em.” Tara said quietly. “More than I can say.”

“Okay.” Emily said. “Let’s do it.”

Tara’s face brightened. “You’re serious?”

“Tara, yes!” Emily said, laughing as her wife wrapped her in a hug. “I love you and this obviously means a lot to you, so let’s do it.”

Tara’s throat felt her throat tighten and she was overcome by emotion as the weight of what had just happened hit her with full force. 

“Thank you.” She whispered.

“Well, don’t thank me yet.” Emily said. “There’s no guarantee that it’ll work.”

“But you’re willing to try.” Tara said. “That’s good enough for me.”

Their journey was a little touch and go at first, Tara agonized over finding the right doctor while Emily worried about nutrition and both of their mental health. Tara would have found her wife’s attempts at kicking her junk food habit and insistence that they see a counselor during all of this amusing if she hadn’t known that Emily’s concerns were valid. It took them meeting with five different doctors before they settled on one and they had agreed on and budgeted for three rounds of IVF, three attempts at getting pregnant. Tara knew that Emily feared she might break if they reached the end and were unsuccessful which was why she overcompensated by obsessing over health and wellness, the woman took up  _ pilates  _ of all things! 

Things took a turn when over Christmas, Tara’s father and brother came to visit. It had taken her dad some time to come around to the idea of Tara being with a woman, but as it turned out he adored Emily, and Gabriel had always been supportive of their relationship. He had taken to teasing the two about when he was going to get nieces and nephews so when it came up once again at Christmas dinner, it was no surprise, though the fact that Tara and Emily finally had an answer  _ would  _ be.

“So T.” Gabriel said. “I know you’re probably tired of me asking but when are you gonna make this old man over here a grandpa?”

“Who you calling an old man?” Albert fired back.

“Well I’m not calling  _ myself  _ an old man!” Gabriel said cheerfully. “What’s the matter dad, you don’t want grandbabies?”

“Leave your sister alone.” Albert said.

“Uh, actually…” Emily said, reaching for Tara’s hand with a smile. “We’ve talked about it, and…”

Gabriel blinked. “And?”

“We’re gonna try to get pregnant.” Tara finished. “I uh, nothing’s set in stone, we don’t have a donor or anything but we have a doctor and they said Emily actually has a pretty decent chance.”

“Do you need a donor?” Gabriel asked. “I mean that’s how it works, right? You get a donor and they take the egg and put it in a petri dish or something?”

Tara frowned quizzically. “More or less, yeah.” She said. “And yeah, I just said that.”

“Well, what if I was your donor?” He said. “I mean, I don’t know how all that stuff works, but it might be easier than trying to find one yourself.”

“Gabriel, you’re my brother.” Tara said. “Don’t you think that’s a little weird?”

Gabriel shrugged. “Is it?” He said. “Look, you’re using Emily’s egg, right?”

“That was the plan.” Emily said, casting a glance at Tara. “Wasn’t it?”

“It was.” Tara replied.

“I mean, I’m not gonna have any kids.” Gabriel said with a shrug. “And it’s as close as you could get to a biological kid of your own, right? So why not?”

Tara gave her brother a long look. “You would  _ really  _ be willing to do that for us?”

“That’s what I said.” He replied. “Isn’t it? Look, just think about it and let me know.”

“Okay.” Tara said with a nod.

It would take a few long nights and even longer conversations before Tara and Emily decided to accept Gabriel’s offer, though Tara still worried about the uniqueness of their situation. Still, if it would get them their child...Tara  _ had  _ said she would be willing to do whatever it took to bring their child into the world, and she’d be lying if she said the thought of looking at that baby and seeing both herself and Emily in them didn’t make her stomach do flips. So they took the plunge, signed waivers, made appointments and suddenly it all became real, their dream closer to being a reality than ever before. 

The first round of IVF was unsuccessful and though both Emily and Tara had cautioned themselves and each other against hoping to get off easy their first try, it was difficult for them both to swallow such bitter disappointment, a reminder of the bitter truth that it might never work and all their efforts could very well come to nothing. Then on the second round, against all odds, it worked. It was touch and go at first, Emily’s hormone levels were on the lower side of normal and they prepared for the worst when they dropped slightly at one appointment, but then the next appointment they were back up at a safe level, even slightly better than before. Finally they made it to the six week mark. Tara had fully planned on being with Emily for the ultrasound where their doctor would determine whether or not the pregnancy was viable and search for a heartbeat but of course at the very last minute, the team got a case. It was local, thank god, but with Emily already taking the afternoon to go to the appointment, the team couldn’t really spare Tara too. She tried her best to stay focused but inside, she was a nervous wreck. The team kept Emily updated on the case via phone calls and though Tara kept trying to gauge her wife’s emotional state through her tone, Emily gave nothing away. They hadn’t told the team yet about their decision to pursue getting pregnant in case things went wrong, so Tara couldn’t call Emily to ask how the appointment had gone without risking being overheard and it didn’t feel like the kind of thing that should be discussed over text so she was stuck waiting and hoping. When they were finally done for the night, Tara raced home barely paying attention to the speed limit. She found Emily lounging on the couch at home, her expression neutral. Tara’s heart pounded.

“So?” She asked, setting down her bag and keys. “How did it go? Is everything-? Is everything okay?”

Emily looked up at Tara with tears in her eyes. “Do you want to see a picture of your baby?”

“Oh my god.” Tara said, hands flying to her mouth. “Oh my god! You’re serious?! You’re not messing with me?”

“I am completely serious.” Emily laughed, getting up to wrap her arms around her wife. “The doctor said everything looks normal and our baby is perfect.”

“Perfect.” Tara echoes faintly. “Our baby is perfect. Wait, you said there was a picture?”

Emily nodded and motioned for Tara to sit on the couch then took a seat beside her. She reached for the ultrasound photo on the coffee table and handed it to Tara, who held it gently in her hands as if she were afraid that it might disintegrate.

“See that little white splotch?” Emily said, pointing to it on the picture. “That’s our baby.”

“It looks like a little bean.” Tara laughed through her tears. “I can’t believe it! This is really happening!”

“It is.” Emily agreed. “We are without a doubt having a baby. We did it.”

“We sure did.” Tara said. “How are you? How are you feeling? Do you need anything?”

“I’m okay.” Emily said. “Nauseous beyond all belief, and tired but I’m happy. What about you?”

“I’m happy too.” Tara said, wiping her eyes. “God, I’m a mess! I feel like I’m feeling  _ every  _ emotion right now.”

“I know.” Emily chuckled. “When I first saw it and the doctor said she found the heartbeat I was bawling. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so relieved.”

“This is amazing.” Tara said, placing a hand on Emily’s stomach. “My wife is pregnant with our baby.  _ Our  _ baby. I just...I can’t believe it, Emily. I love you.”

Emily smiled and leaned in for a kiss. “I love you too.”

They stayed that way for a long time, Tara’s hand on Emily’s stomach, Emily with her head on Tara’s shoulder. They both knew that they still had a long journey ahead of them, and they knew that it wouldn’t always be so easy. But for that moment they just sat and basked in the pure bliss of the knowledge that they had created a life. They had started their family and whatever challenges they faced down the road ahead, they would face together. This was only the beginning, and both Tara and Emily were more than ready.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily battles morning sickness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of moderate to severe morning sickness, hyperemesis gravidarum, vomiting

Tara woke up the same way that she had woken up every morning for the last few weeks, to the sound of her wife rushing to the bathroom followed by the sounds of Emily retching as the contents of her stomach emptied themselves into the toilet.

Emily was nine weeks pregnant and around the same time she had gone for that six week ultrasound, the morning sickness had struck with a vengeance. It was awful. If she wasn’t throwing up, she was nauseous and miserable and she could only manage to keep a few things down at all. It was bad enough that their doctor had instructed her to take several vitamin supplements and cautioned that if they couldn’t manage to get it under control that she could end up needing to be hospitalized and receive IV fluids. It was bad enough that the team had noticed, though they had the good grace not to mention it, even if Matt did slip Tara a box of tea that he casually mentioned had been a lifesaver for Kristy when she’d had hyperemesis gravidarum with the twins.

_ “Not to assume.” He said quickly. “But uh, peppermint is supposed to be pretty good for nausea no matter what’s actually causing it.” _

_ “I will keep that in mind.” Tara replied. “And thank you.” _

_ “Anytime.” Matt said. “I hope Prentiss feels better.” _

JJ had her suspicions as well, though she tried to keep them to herself. Still, when she had caught Emily in the restroom at the bureau bent over the toilet in a stall that she hadn’t bothered to lock in her attempt to avoid projectile vomiting all over the tile floor, JJ couldn’t hide her concern well enough not to say anything.

_ “Whoa.” She said, her brows furrowed. “Emily, are you okay? You’re looking a little Linda Blair right now.” _

_ “I’m fine.” Emily coughed. “It’s that damn tuna melt Reid ordered for lunch. The smell made me gag.” _

_ “Are you sure that’s all it is?” JJ asked. “Yesterday it was the smell of the coffee, and last week when Alvez burned his popcorn you turned bright green. I don’t wanna pry but...I’m kinda getting worried about you.” _

_ Emily stared apprehensively at the blonde as she wiped the corners of her mouth and rose to her feet. After some deliberation, she decided on the truth. _

_ “You can’t tell anyone.” She said. “I’m serious. Not even Will. Not yet, not right now.” _

_ “Emily, you know I won’t.” JJ said. “I mean, I kept the fact that you were alive a secret from the entire team for seven months. I’m Fort Knox.” _

_ “Okay.” Emily said, taking a deep breath. “The reason I’ve been so sick lately is because I’m pregnant.” _

_ JJ blinked. “What?” _

_ “I’m only eight weeks.” Emily explained. “Tara and I don’t want to tell anyone until we make sure that everything is okay and the risk for miscarriage goes down, but we did IVF and…it worked! Against all odds, it worked and we’re going to be parents.” _

_ “Emily! Oh my god!” JJ moved in to hug her. “You’re pregnant?! Congratulations! And don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. Oh, I just can’t believe it! A baby! I’m so happy for you.” _

_ “Thank you.” Emily said, laughing. “God, I hate keeping this a secret from the team, but I swear, it’s only until we make it to the second trimester.” _

_ “No, I get it!” JJ said. “Pregnancy is pretty much a crap shoot. I really am happy for you,  _ and  _ Tara! I know how long you guys have wanted this.” _

_ “Thanks.” Emily said. “That means a lot.” _

Tara had laughed when Emily told her that JJ knew and admitted that, especially considering that Matt also had suspicions, she was amazed that they had managed to keep a team of FBI profilers in the dark for as long as they had in the first place. Tara was shaken from her thoughts by Emily’s continued coughing and spluttering. She sighed and got out of bed. Emily had tried insisting, the first few times, that she could handle the morning sickness herself and that Tara should go back to bed, but Tara had refused. As soon as Emily heard Tara’s feet on the tile, she looked up.

“You know.” She said. “At least  _ one  _ of us should try to get some sleep for the next thirty weeks.”

“Not a chance.” Tara shook her head and kneeled down to rub Emily’s back. “Tell me what to do.”

“I don’t think there’s anything you  _ can  _ do.” Emily replied. “I think we kinda just have to deal with it until it’s not a problem anymore.”

“Still, I feel bad.” Tara said. “This  _ was  _ my idea.”

“Yeah yeah yeah.” Emily muttered, resting her head on Tara’s shoulder. “You can make it up to me by changing all of the poopy diapers.”

“Gladly.” said Tara, kissing her head. “Come on, I’ll make you breakfast. You think you could manage some oatmeal and toast?”

“Toast, yes.” Emily said, rising to her feet with Tara’s help. “Oatmeal has about a fifty-fifty chance of coming back up.”

“Okay, so toast.” Tara said. “And anything else you want or think you can eat. Whatever you want.”

Emily smiled as she took her wife’s hand and followed her to the kitchen. “I don’t know how I got so lucky.”

“That’s funny.” Tara said warmly. “I’ve been saying the same thing since the day I met you.”

They ate breakfast in a comfortable silence, Emily nibbling on toast and taking small sips of peppermint tea, careful not to eat too much too fast. Whoever it was that she was growing inside of her had more than proved that they were temperamental when it came to that sort of thing. But looking at Tara, who watched her with this look of absolute reverence and love, Emily couldn’t help but think that the sacrifice would be well worth the trouble. Afterward, they sat on the couch, snuggled together, and watched the sun rise out the floor to ceiling windows. Emily chuckled out of amusement when Tara rested her head on Emily’s stomach and kissed it.

“Hi baby.” Tara said to Emily’s stomach. “It’s me, your mom. I love you. Your mommy and I love you so much and we can’t wait to meet you.”

“Tara.” Emily laughed. “You  _ know  _ our baby can’t hear you, right? It doesn’t even have  _ ears  _ yet!”

“I know.” Tara said, kissing her stomach again. “But one day they will, and I want to make sure that when they do, my voice is one of the first things they hear. I want this baby to know how loved and wanted they were from the very beginning.”

Emily was silent for a long minute. When she spoke, her voice was thick with unshed tears. “Damn it, Tara.” She muttered. “You’re gonna make me cry.”

Tara looked up, concerned. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Emily laughed and shook her head. She wiped her eyes. “I love you, you know that? And you are going to make an  _ amazing  _ mother.”

“You think so?” Tara asked with a smile.

“I know so.” Emily said, bending over to kiss her. She sighed and touched her stomach just a few inches from Tara’s face. “If this little nugget keeps it up, I don’t think we’re gonna keep this a secret much longer.”

“We’ll make it.” Tara said. “It’s just a little while longer. I won’t lie though, I cannot  _ wait  _ to tell everyone. I’m so proud of you, of  _ us  _ and this baby we made. I want the whole world to know that  _ we  _ did that.”

“They will.” Emily said. “Trust me, I can’t wait either. As soon as it’s safe, everyone is gonna know that Dr. Tara Lewis knocked me up.”

“Jesus!” Tara choked out a laugh. “Only you could make an act of love sound like something salacious.”

“Mmm.” Emily hummed. “Maybe I could use a little bit of salaciousness.”

Tara quirked an eyebrow. “You sure?”

Emily brought Tara’s face up to her own and kissed her slowly, full of depth and heat. Tara groaned against her and Emily smiled into the kiss. When she pulled away, she bit her lower lip, still smiling.

“As sure as the day I married you.” She said, gazing at her wife through her eyelashes. “Take me to bed?”

Tara laughed and scooped Emily into her arms to carry her into their bedroom the same way she had on their wedding night, drunk on love and too much wine.

“Anything for the mother of my child.” She whispered, words she knew she would mean for the rest of her life.

They would waste a few more hours in bed together, dozing in between sessions of lovemaking. Morning sickness might not take a day off, even when they did, but they had each other and they had their love. Soon these days would be behind them, and both Tara and Emily looked eagerly to the future. In a few short months, morning sickness would be replaced with tiny kicks against Emily’s abdomen which in turn would be replaced with Braxton-Hicks contractions, which would soon enough give way to early morning cries for food and comfort. They welcomed each change in store and clung to one another and to the knowledge that this season would soon end and another would begin.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tara and Emily tell the team

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gets sexually explicit towards the end so fair warning

At twelve weeks, they told the team.

Tara and Emily had been  _ hoping  _ to make it to fourteen weeks before they broke the news but Emily’s continued issues with morning sickness forced the issue. It had become difficult to hide and more of their teammates were asking questions and getting concerned. Derek Morgan of all people had thought it necessary to call, evidently Garcia had been keeping him updated on the latest at the BAU.

_ “Everything alright over there, princess?” He asked. _

_ “Yeah.” She said, her voice rising with suspicion making it sound more like a question instead of a statement. “Everything is fine. Why?” _

_ “Well, the last time I talked to Garcia.” He said. “She sounded  _ pretty  _ worried about you. So what’s up? Is Lewis treating you alright? Cause I’ll kick her ass.” _

_ “Tara is amazing.” Emily said, rolling her eyes. “And I’d love to see you try.” _

_ “Okay.” He said. “Then what’s up? I heard you’ve been pretty sick. You wanna talk about it?” _

_ “God, I guess there’s no point in keeping it from you.” Emily said. “We’re gonna  _ have  _ to tell the team soon anyway, so might as well. I’m pregnant, Morgan.” _

_ There was a pause before he said “You’re shittin’ me.” _

_ “I shit you not.” Emily said. “I will officially be twelve weeks next Tuesday.” _

_ “No way!” Derek laughed. “Emily Prentiss is having a baby! With Tara Lewis, no less.” _

_ “Don’t act so shocked!” Emily said. “We’ve been married for a couple years now, and we were together for a while before that, it’s not like it’s a surprise.” _

_ “I’m not!” He said. “I don’t know. It’s just kinda like watching your favorite cousin grow up and finally get their shit together. It’s cool.” _

_ Emily made a face, even though she knew Derek couldn’t see it over the phone. “You think of me as a cousin?” She cracked. “Gee thanks.” _

_ “Come on, Em!” He said. “You know what I mean. You’re one of my best friends, and hey, I’m really happy for you. I’m happy you’re happy.” _

_ “Aw, thanks.” She said. “You’re one of my best friends too, you know. And this little nugget is gonna need a fun uncle Derek to teach them how to be too cool for their moms.” _

_ “Oh don’t you worry about that.” He said. “I got you covered. Besides, maybe we can play a little bit of matchmaker and be in-laws one day.” _

_ “Oh, seriously?” She said. “You want to set our kids up? What if the baby is a boy, huh?” _

_ “Love is love, princess.” He said and Emily could almost see him grinning. “You of all people should know that and I’m  _ certainly  _ not gonna judge.” _

_ “Yeah, well let’s not jump the gun.” She said. “We’ve got a long way to go before we start worrying about an arranged marriage between Hank and this one.” _

_ “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He said. “How you feeling? Besides sick to your stomach.” _

_ “Really good, actually.” Emily said. “At our last appointment they said the baby is measuring ahead and everything looked good. I’m excited.” _

_ “That’s good.” Derek replied. “I bet Lewis is waiting on you hand and foot, she always struck me as the attentive type. She babying the baby mama?” _

_ Emily groaned. “Call me that again and I’ll shoot you.” _

_ “I’ll take that as a yes.” He said. In the background, a crash could be heard. Derek swore. “Boy, you better put that back! Hey, princess, I gotta go rescue Hank before his mom sees what he’s been up to and loses her mind. Call me after you’ve told everyone and tell me how it went, will ya?” _

_ “I will do that.” She said. _

_ “Oh and Emily?” _

_ “Yeah?” _

_ “Congratulations again.” Derek’s voice was warm and affectionate and it made Emily smile. _

_ “Thank you.” She said. “I’ll talk to you later.” _

_ Derek laughed. “See ya!” _

Both Tara and Emily were on pins and needles the entire morning on the day they told the team. The plan had been to wait til the end of the day and call the team into the conference room and announce it then. Of course, things at the BAU rarely happened as planned and when they caught a local case that day, it was well into the evening before they made it back to the sixth floor and Emily had nearly resolved to leave it for the next day until Tara caught her eye. An unspoken conversation happened between the two of them and finally Emily nodded and cleared her throat.

“Uh, guys.” She said nervously. “Before we all head out for the night, meet in the conference room. There’s something that we need to talk about.”

Curious glances were exchanged by all but the team obeyed and followed Emily to the room. When Tara stood beside her wife and grabbed her hand, it gave away that this was  _ not  _ a work-related matter and each of their friends and coworkers looked at the two expectantly, waiting to hear what they had to say. Emily’s throat went dry and she felt even more nervous than she had all morning. Tara looked at her and gave a hand a squeeze, it bolstered Emily and she smiled.

“As you know.” She said. “I’ve been having some health problems lately, I’m sure you’ve all noticed how sick I’ve been. I just wanted to make sure you guys knew that there’s nothing seriously wrong, I plan on sticking around for a long time yet.”

“Oh.” Luke said, clearly confused. “Is that it? I thought something was up?”

Tara grinned. “There’s a little more.”

“You guys aren’t getting a divorce, are you?” Garcia’s face paled. “That’s not- I mean you seem so  _ happy  _ and in love, a-and you would  _ tell  _ us if you were having trouble so we could help you, right?”

“We’re not getting a divorce.” Tara said. “In fact, I think it’s safe to say that Emily and I are happier than we’ve ever been right now.”

“Oh.” Garcia said. “Okay, good.”

“Well, come on now, out with it!” Rossi exclaimed good-naturedly. “You two lovebirds are killing us with the suspense!”

“Okay, okay!” Emily said. “Well, some of you might’ve heard that Tara and I were thinking about starting a family. Initially, we had no idea what that would look like but we decided to go with IVF to start and…”

Emily smiled and looked at Tara, who let go of her hand to produce an ultrasound photo from her pocket and passed it around to the team.

“It worked.” She finished. “As of twelve weeks ago, Tara and I are officially expecting a baby.”

A shocked silence filled the room as the ultrasound photo was passed around for each member of the team, their  _ first  _ little family, to examine. It was Reid who broke the silence when he looked up from the photo, a bewildered smile on his face.

“You guys are pre-pregnant?” He asked.

“Well, Emily’s doing most of the leg work,” Tara replied wryly. “But yeah, we are. Or  _ she  _ is. With our baby.”

“Oh my god!” Garcia squealed and rushed to hug them both. “Congratulations! Now, I hope you know that your little miracle of modern medicine is going to be positively  _ spoiled  _ by their Auntie P and once I start, I can’t stop so don’t even  _ try  _ to reel me in!”

“I wouldn’t expect any less of you, Penelope.” Emily laughed. 

“God, I am  _ so  _ happy for you guys.” JJ said. “And  _ so  _ glad I don’t have to worry about slipping up and spilling the beans anymore!”

“You knew?” Rossi teased. “And you didn’t tell us?”

“It was an accident.” JJ said. “I kind of drug it out of Emily when I caught her tossing her cookies in the bathroom a couple weeks ago.”

“I asked her not to say anything.” Emily added.

“It’s a pretty understandable response.” Reid noted. “In fact, nowadays it’s actually pretty common for people wait to announce a pregnancy until twelve weeks or later when the risk of miscarriage is lower.”

“Makes sense.” Luke said. “If it were me, I’d probably find it harder to deal if I had to go around to everyone I told about it and tell them that something happened.”

“Well, and there’s a difference between talking about it because you want to and talking about it because if you don’t, everyone is gonna ask questions.” Tara said. She smiled. “Luckily for us, that doesn’t look like it’s going to be an issue that we have to face.”

“Matt,  _ you’re  _ awfully quiet.” Emily said. “What’s that smirk on your face for?”

“I might’ve had a feeling this was coming.” He said. “I didn’t want to assume, but it’s always nice to find out that your first instinct was right.”

“Well, if anyone knows the signs.” JJ cracked. “It would be you.”

“Yeah, how many kids do you have?” Tara said. “Eight? Ten? Thirty-five?”

“Funny.” Matt deadpanned. “Very funny.”

“I don’t know about any of you.” Rossi chimed in. “But I think a celebration is in order. How does dinner at my place sound? Virgin drinks for the mother to be, of course, and wine and beer for the rest of us.”

“Well, I never say no to free drinks!” Garcia said cheerfully.

Tara turned to Emily. “You up for it, babe?”

“As long as we’re not too late.” Emily replied. “Who knew that growing a brand new person could take so much out of you?”

JJ laughed. “I could have told you that!”

Later that night, Tara and Emily sat in their bedroom preparing to turn in for the night, both still walking on air from the evening’s events. Their elation was palpable. Emily flopped down on the bed clad in an oversized t-shirt and pajama pants and sighed happily. Tara sat cross-legged beside her with a grin on her face and kissed her on the forehead. Emily smiled back and put her head in Tara’s lap. Tara laughed and began stroking Emily’s hair.

“So how does it feel?” Tara asked. “The team knows about our baby and they’re all happy for us, everything is okay…”

“It feels great!” Emily said. “More than great! I feel like I’m walking on air!”

“Me too.” Tara said.

“You know what else would feel great?” Emily sat up and gave her a little smirk. “A kiss from my wife.”

Tara chuckled. “Come here.”

Emily grinned and sat up to allow Tara to pull her in for a long, deep kiss. Tara brought one of her hands to rest beneath Emily’s chin while the other crept beneath the soft cotton of the t-shirt Emily was wearing, her hand was slightly cold against the warm skin of Emily’s belly. Emily found it endearing how obsessed with her stomach Tara had been ever since they had found out that the IVF had resulted in a successful pregnancy, always touching and kissing it despite being well aware of the fact that the baby was nowhere near developed enough to notice any of what she was doing. Emily couldn’t help the laugh that escaped her when Tara bent down and kissed her on the stomach.

“Hey there, little one.” Tara said softly. “Hi my baby. How are  _ you  _ doing tonight, huh? Are you behaving yourself for your mommy? Yeah? I love you.”

Emily shook her head. “You’re cute.”

“I’m gonna be in trouble when this baby gets here.” Tara said. “Huh, sweet pea? Yeah, you’re gonna have me wrapped around your little finger, aren’t you? You’re gonna be so loved you won’t know what to do.”

Emily smiled as Tara pressed her lips to her stomach again. “This baby sure is lucky.” She said. “Having a mom like you? You’re gonna spoil them.”

“Oh, and you won’t?” Tara teased and came back up to capture Emily’s lips with hers. A contented humming sound reverberated in her throat. “How are you, my love? Do you need anything?”

Emily shook her head. “I’m fine, I just need you.”

“Are you sure?” Tara asked. “No late night cravings?”

“What I’m craving right now,” Emily said with an impish gleam in her eye. “Isn’t exactly something you can get at a grocery store.”

Tara raised an eyebrow. “Oh is that so?” She said, taking the opportunity to lift Emily’s shirt up over her head. “And just  _ what  _ is it that you’re craving right now, love of my life?”

“Just a little bit of alone time.” Emily said. “With my  _ incredibly  _ sexy wife.”

“I see.” Tara replied, her voice was low and gravelly. She brought a hand up to one of Emily’s exposed breasts, the nipple was already standing at attention. “Are these still extra sensitive?”

Emily bit her lip and nodded. Tara smirked by way of response and took Emily’s nipple between her thumb and forefinger and began to roll it gently between the two. The act caused a low moan to come from her wife’s throat. Tara chuckled.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” She said. Tara continued to play with Emily’s nipples, moving from one breast to the other and taking care not to overstimulate the sensitive flesh. “You know, I’ve always thought you were beautiful but I’m really loving what pregnancy is doing to you so far. You’re gorgeous pregnant.”

“Yeah?” Emily whimpered. She arched her back and pressed her hips against Tara’s. “I hope you still feel that way in a few when I’m huge and my big old belly starts making  _ this  _ more complicated.”

“Oh, don’t even go there.” Tara said. “Cause I can’t think of anything hotter than you growing our baby inside you, so bring on that baby bump!”

“Oh my god.” Emily said. “Are you one of  _ those  _ people? Pregnant women turn you on?”

Tara rolled her eyes.  _ “You  _ turn me on.” She replied as if it were obvious. “The fact that you’re carrying our child just makes that much better.”

“You’re so sweet.” Emily said, a smirk playing across her lips. “Doesn’t mean I’m not still gonna tease you about it though.”

“Oh, you wanna talk about teasing?” Tara said. “Two can play at  _ that  _ game  _ real  _ easy, sweetheart.”

She lowered her head and Emily gasped when she felt Tara’s lips close around her nipple and she began to suck lightly on it, experimenting with the tip of her tongue. Emily tried not to smother her as she gripped the back of Tara’s head, holding her there against her breast. The sensation alone was enough to make Emily’s eyes roll to the back of her head, but she wanted more. No, she  _ needed  _ more.

“Tara.” Emily panted. “Tara, baby,  _ please.  _ I need you to touch me.”

Tara removed her mouth from Emily’s breast, smirking when Emily whimpered in protest.

“Are you sure?” She asked with mock innocence. “I wouldn’t want to make you feel like I was fetishizing you in your  _ delicate  _ condition.”

“Oh god, please don’t play with me like that.” Emily said. “Not tonight, not now.”

“What do you want me to do, baby?” Tara said, practically purring as she flicked a nipple with her tongue which elicited a high-pitched whine from Emily.

“I want you to fuck me.” Emily said.  _ “Please  _ fuck me.”

Tara smiled. “As you wish.”

Emily let out a low moan when Tara landed kisses all over her chest, her teeth scraping over sensitive skin and then returning to work on Emily’s breasts. Tara’s fingers traveled down to the waistband of Emily’s plaid pajama pants and slid them and her panties off in one swift motion. Her hands soon found Emily’s clit and began to gently massage the sensitive bundle while her mouth continued its attentions on her wife’s breasts, enjoying the whimpers that fell from Emily’s lips. She gasped when Tara slid a finger inside of her and repositioned her thumb to focus on her wife’s clit while she thrust first one, then two fingers into Emily with slow, strong motions. Tara relished the soft moans each movement elicited from Emily. Her lips curled into a smile when she felt Emily’s center tighten around her fingers and a strangled cry signaled her peaking orgasm. She called out Tara’s name in her ecstasy and it sounded so perfect on her lips. Tara didn’t think she would  _ ever  _ get tired of her name in Emily’s mouth.

“Oh my god, Tara.” Emily murmured softly a moment later when Tara removed her fingers from within and sampled the juices that coated them.

“Good?” Tara asked, a grin on her face. “Did I take care of that craving?”

“Just about.” Emily smiled back. “I could use something sweet though, and you are wearing  _ entirely  _ too many clothes for my liking.”

“Oh, pardon me.” Tara laughed and pulled her shirt over her head. “I forgot that my insatiable beauty likes to have something to look at while I tend to her needs.”

“Mmm, well I need  _ you  _ right now.” Emily said, swatting playfully at Tara’s hands when she moved to slide her own grey sweatpants down her hips. “Let me.”

Tara laughed again but happily obliged. Soon it was her turn to moan and succumb to the wonderful sensation of Emily’s hands and mouth on her, and Tara gave herself over to passion and ecstasy. They melted into each other. Later that night they curled up into each other, naked body pressed against naked body, and it struck Tara again just how damn lucky she felt. She’d gotten the woman of her dreams, and now that woman was carrying their child. They were happy and Tara couldn’t envision a future anymore where things would do anything but get even better. She smiled, kissed her pregnant wife, and drifted off to sleep.

This was what happiness felt like.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily and Tara’s trip to the mall threatens disaster until a chance meeting changes their lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter deals with casual homophobia

When she hit the sixteen week mark, Emily came to the uncomfortable realization that her clothes no longer fit her and she was at that strange point where she hadn’t really started to  _ look  _ visibly pregnant to others yet, but her body had changed enough that a new wardrobe was no longer an option, but a necessity.

She wore her loosest fitting outfit she had left to the mall and she and Tara spent the better part of a Saturday afternoon in the maternity section of every shop and boutique in the place. It was ridiculously expensive, but the clothes were comfortable and Emily had been surprised to find that a lot of her options  _ weren’t  _ hideous. Tara was endlessly patient as Emily tried on outfit after outfit and every time Emily asked how she looked, the adoration in Tara’s eyes when she responded that Emily looked beautiful left no doubt to her sincerity. While they were there, Tara and Emily picked up a few gender neutral onesies, a couple toys, and a soft baby blanket to start what they both knew would grow to be a sizeable collection for their unborn child. They got lunch in the crowded food court and that’s when the trouble had started.

Neither woman were strangers to the looks or whispers that came with being so visibly  _ out  _ and obviously a couple in public, even in a place like DC, there were plenty of closed minds. Tara had learned to ignore it, for the most part. People could think what they wanted, but she had decided long ago that she was  _ done  _ caring about the opinions of people who didn’t pay her bills or live her life and who didn’t  _ deserve  _ to have a say in who or how she loved. Emily had been a little more sensitive to the judgment of strangers, but she had gotten a lot more comfortable the longer she and Tara were together and more often than not, she was able to ignore it when people raised their eyebrows in hers and Tara’s direction or made snide remarks just loud enough to be overheard. But today, Tara could feel her wife bristle at the attention, felt Emily’s hand tighten around hers as an elderly couple passing their table shot them a dirty look.

“...unnatural to live that lifestyle.” The old man muttered. “And in  _ public  _ where everyone can see!”

“Did you see those bags?” His wife replied. “The nerve! To bring a child into their sin! Christ, return quickly!”

Anger flared in Tara’s chest. She had half a mind to shout something equally offensive after the old couple, but she stopped when she turned to face her wife. Tears filled Emily’s eyes, her lips quivered and her cheeks were pink with embarrassment, anger, and deep, deep hurt. Tara’s expression softened and she squeezed Emily’s hand before bringing it to her lips.

“Hey.” She said. “Don’t listen to those dinosaurs.”

Emily laughed humorlessly. “I guess I should be used to it by now.” She said. “It shouldn’t hurt me anymore.”

“It’s okay.” Tara said and pressed her forehead to Emily’s. “They don’t know us. Their pea-brains can’t fathom how two women could have a love like ours.”

“Maybe we should just go home.” Emily’s voice broke.

“Em, sweetheart.” Tara said. “Don’t let those assholes ruin a great day. Their opinion doesn’t matter.”

“Please?” Emily said. “Let’s just go.”

Tara’s heart broke. She could tell that Emily was seconds away from bursting into tears in front of the whole food court, could see that she was desperately trying to keep it together and was losing the battle of maintaining her composure. She had nearly opened her mouth to concede when a young girl, no more than sixteen or seventeen with bright pink hair and a nose ring that could have been fake, appeared before them. The girl picked at her black nail polish and her almond eyes darted nervously between them. She tugged at the sleeves of her hoodie, the emblem of a popular hard rock band on the front, and looked down at her dirty high top sneakers.

“Sorry.” The girl said. “I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop or anything, but I heard what those dicks said and I know you don’t know me but...I think what you guys are doing is really cool. My dads got a lot of shit when I was little, but I was always happy, like probably even happier than my friends with straight parents. So like, don’t worry. Your baby is gonna be so happy.”

The girl turned to go.

“Wait!” Emily said. She wiped her eyes. “Thank you. I- you don’t know how much that means to us. What’s your name, sweetie?”

The girl opened her mouth but was prevented from speaking when a tall, balding Filipino man appeared at her side. The resemblance suggested that he was one of her fathers. His face was stern.

“Riley Imelda Cordero-Allen!” He scolded, then turned to Tara and Emily. “I’m so sorry, I told her to leave you be. She’s in that ‘speak my truth’ phase. Teenagers, you know? Can’t take them anywhere!”

“It’s okay.” Tara said with a smile. “You have an incredibly kind and sensitive young lady, Mr-?”

“Oh! Call me Christian, please!” He said. “Mr. Cordero makes me think of my father. And you are-?”

“Dr. Tara Lewis.” She replied. “This is my wife, Emily, she’s a unit chief with the FBI. We both work there.”

“Impressive!” Christian said. “My husband Brian works for the State department, I’m just a regular civilian.”

“Papa has his own restaurant.” Riley said.

“Nothing fancy.” Christian added. “Just a little fusion place but we do pretty well. I hope my daughter didn’t bother you two trying to enjoy your lunch.”

“Not at all.” Emily said. “Riley was very kind.”

“Those old people were being  _ so  _ rude.” Riley said. “I couldn’t  _ not  _ say anything, Papa!”

Christian frowned. “Are you ladies alright?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Emily said quickly. “We’re used to it but uh, pregnancy hormones…”

“Oh, you poor thing.” Christian said. “People can be  _ so  _ awful, even when it’s none of their business. Have you guys considered joining an LGBT parenting group?”

Tara and Emily exchanged a look.

“I don’t think it’s even crossed our minds.” Tara answered honestly. “Emily’s only about four months pregnant so we’re still figuring stuff out.”

“I highly recommend it.” Christian said. “Not that my opinion matters but it was a godsend when Riley was little. Parenting groups with mostly straight couples are fine, but it’s  _ so  _ nice to be surrounded by people who get it, you know? I could give you the names of a couple active ones if you want.”

Tara smiled. “That would be great, actually. Thanks.”

“Not a problem!” Christian replied, pulling out a business card and writing on the back. “The front of this thing also has my restaurant info as well as my cell number so if you ever just need to talk to another parent who understands, you can always get in touch. Brian’s working from home today but I know he would be  _ more  _ than happy to chat with another family.”

Tara and Emily exchanged information with Christian and tentatively scheduled an informal dinner with him and Brian for the next weekend. Riley smiled shyly all the while and both women got the impression that despite her bright hair and hardcore fashion was a sweet young girl with a big heart and lots of empathy, as evidenced by how she had approached two total strangers in a crowded food court to offer comfort when she could have just as easily looked the other way. She was a testament to how much love she had been raised receiving and seemed determined to give it to others in spades. She waved goodbye as they parted ways and the old couple from earlier had been forgotten in the overwhelming force of kindness. Emily smiled and caught Tara’s eye. Tara smiled back and leaned in for a kiss, welcoming the way Emily rested her head on her shoulder after they parted.

“Hmm…” Tara mused. “Riley. I like that name.”

Emily smiled. “It’s a nice name.” She agreed. “Neutral, too. For a boy  _ or  _ a girl.”

“Would I be abusing my power as your wife,” Tara asked. “If I said I wanted that one shortlisted?”

“What if I told you it was already in first place?”

Tara blinked, then allowed the wide smile to spread across her face. She placed a hand on Emily’s stomach, her thumb running across the barely noticeable swell.

“What do you think, little one?” She said softly. “How does Riley sound? Do you like it?”

Tara wasn’t sure, it was too soon to feel any movement from their baby just yet, but her heart still stirred at the idea of it, that they had stumbled across the perfect name for their baby thanks to a chance encounter. Emily’s grin was incandescent and they finished their lunch with a sense of elation. What could have ended in disaster had instead evolved into a beautiful, priceless moment thanks to the kindness of a stranger. They didn’t know it yet but the connection they had formed that day with Riley and Christian would become a lasting bond that would shape their future and the future of  _ their  _ Riley. They would pretend to consider other names and then debate on middle names and how they would incorporate their own last names into their child’s but in the end they both knew that they had gotten right that first try. That first perfect name.

They had come to the mall that day for maternity close and had left with so much more.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Prentiss-Lewis family reach an important pregnancy milestone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am in no way affiliated with Fleetwood Mac nor do I own the trademark or any songs

So many changes happened in the blink of an eye. Blink, and the pregnancy was half over. 

Emily didn’t want to find out the sex of the baby. She wanted to be surprised, to know when that first cry pierced the delivery room and the doctors announced it for all to hear. Tara took the opposite view. She didn’t think she could wait another twenty weeks to find out whether their little miracle was a boy or girl. She didn’t really care  _ what  _ they were having, she just wanted that knowledge. They had many conversations back and forth about what they would do the day of the anatomy scan and finally came up with a solution: Tara would find out the sex of their baby and tell  _ no one,  _ not even her brother, and Emily would remain in the dark until she brought that child into the world.

The day of the ultrasound came and Tara would have been lying if she said she wasn’t nervous. They had explained to the obstetrician beforehand about their compromise and Dr. Fischer was more than happy to oblige. Tara held Emily’s hand the entire time and both of them cried seeing their baby on the screen, so close and yet so far away from being able to join them out in the world. When the lights had turned back on and their baby was pronounced to be healthy and developing normally, Emily excused herself to use the restroom, Dr. Fischer handed Tara a folded up piece of paper with their baby’s sex written on it. Tara took a deep breath and unfolded it and in an instant, her world fell together like pieces of a puzzle as she read the one word that told her what she needed to know.

_ Girl. _

When Emily came back, Tara didn’t say a word. Couldn’t. She was too afraid she would burst into tears. The woman she loved was carrying their daughter and Tara was overwhelmed by the emotions she felt. Emily raised an eyebrow but all Tara did was smile with tears of joy in her eyes and wrap her wife in the tightest hug she could without hurting her. The entire drive home, Tara had a difficult time keeping her eyes on the road. She kept casting glances at Emily, overcome by the love and happiness in her heart. Emily, on the other hand, only grew more concerned as the minutes ticked by. Finally she spoke up.

“Tara.” She said. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Tara replied, her voice thick and wobbly with unshed tears. “Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”

“You’ve almost run the last three red lights.” Emily said slowly. “And you’re in serious danger of driving off the road. Baby, what’s going on?”

“Nothing!” Tara said. “I’m just a little emotional.”

Emily was quiet for a moment. “Are you disappointed?”

Tara’s head snapped in her direction. “What?”

“I know you said it didn’t matter whether we had a boy or girl.” Emily said. She seemed to weigh her words carefully. “But you’ve been on the verge of tears since we left the doctors office. Are you disappointed with what we’re having?”

Tara sighed and pulled the car over, putting it in park. Then she unbuckled her seatbelt and turned to Emily. Her chin quivered and when a few tears escaped, Tara let them fall unhindered.

“I need you to listen to me.” She said. “Our baby could come out with any combination of genitalia and reproductive organs and I would love them with every last breath in my lungs and every beat of my heart. There is  _ nothing  _ about our baby that could  _ ever  _ disappoint me. So don’t you think for one second that I’m unhappy with our beautiful baby.”

Emily stared at her wife and then promptly burst into tears, her body wracked with sobs. Tara was understandably alarmed. She leaned over the center console and put her arms around Emily, kissed her cheeks, buried her face in her hair.

“I’m sorry.” Emily choked. “I’m sorry, I  _ know  _ you would never...but you’ve been so quiet and you just looked like you were gonna cry and I just- I got scared.”

“Oh my love, no.” Tara said, wiping Emily’s tears away even as she was struggling to see through her own. “I am  _ so  _ happy, so over the moon about our baby that I could cry. And I am so grateful that you’re carrying our child, you’re  _ so  _ beautiful and  _ so  _ strong and I have never been more proud to call myself your wife.”

Emily smiled through her tears. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Tara said. She kissed Emily and then placed her hand on the swell of her wife’s stomach. “And I love  _ this  _ little angel. So much more than they can ever imagine or understand. You’re my family.”

“Are you gonna be okay to drive?” Emily asked. “I can take over if you want.”

“No, I’m okay.” Tara said. “Let’s go home.”

They kept it low-key that afternoon, Tara made chicken quesadillas for lunch and they indulged in an afternoon nap before dinner. Later in the evening, after pizza and a lighthearted comedy to help alleviate the lingering effects of their emotionally charged morning, Tara carried Emily back to the bedroom and made sure to erase any doubt left in her wife’s mind that she was  _ far  _ from disappointed. When they were finished and Emily lie completely spent, her body still tingling from the way her wife had brought her to orgasm over and over again, Tara laid horizontal to her, kissing and rubbing Emily’s naked belly. Emily chuckled.

“It must sound so weird from their perspective.” She said. “Imagine just chilling in your room and all of a sudden you hear this disembodied voice.”

“I like to think they know my voice by now.” Tara said with a smirk. “Huh, my Riley? Huh, love of my life? You’re so perfect. I’m so lucky to be your mom.”

“Mmm.” Emily hummed happily. “You know what I love?”

Tara kissed her wife’s belly again. “What?”

“When you sing to the baby.”

Tara’s cheeks warmed. “I didn’t think you knew about that.” She said. “I only do it when you’re asleep.”

“I know.” Emily said. “I woke up once when you were singing to them. Then I started pretending I was asleep so I could listen. You have a beautiful voice.”

“I can sing for you if you want.” Tara said. “You don’t have to pretend to be asleep to hear me.”

“It just felt like a moment between you and Riley.” Emily said. “Something that was just for you guys. I didn’t want to get in between that.”

“Emily, you’re my wife!” Tara chuckled. “You’re literally carrying our child inside of you! I think you’re entitled to a private concert every once in a while.”

Emily smiled sweetly. “Would you want to do it right now?” She asked. “Sing for us?”

“Of course.” Tara said. “Anything for you, my love.”

Tara began by softly humming, running her hands up and down the curve of Emily’s stomach in soft, soothing motions. The words to a Fleetwood Mac song fell from her mouth in a low, smooth alto, as gentle and loving as any lullaby. Emily smiled and closed her eyes, letting the words wash over her like an ocean wave. When Tara came to the bridge of the song, her voice swelling with the words, Emily felt it. It was faint at first but definitely there, a stirring within her, it felt almost like a wave rolling and breaking over shore, little movements from their unborn child. She gave a small gasp when she felt it and realized what it was, causing Tara to cut herself off and look up at her wife, concern evident in her expression.

“What is it?” Tara asked. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing!” Emily said. “Nothing, keep going.”

Tara looked questioningly at Emily but after a moment continued. After a few moments, Emily felt it again and her grin widened. She repositioned Tara’s hands on her belly where she had felt Riley moving.

“Keep singing, don’t move your hands, and concentrate.” She said. “Do you feel it? There!”

Tara furrowed her brow, then her eyes brightened and her facial expression changed from one of puzzlement to surprise and joy. She laughed in spite of herself upon feeling the movement and for what felt like the hundredth time that day, tears sprang to her eyes.

“Oh my god!” Tara exclaimed. “Is that-?”

“That’s our baby.” Emily said. Her smile was incandescent. “That’s our Riley moving around in there. I think they like it when you sing to them too.”

“Oh my god!” Tara said again. She laughed. “Is that-? Is this the first time you’ve ever felt them move?”

“I think so.” Emily said. “There have been a couple times I thought- but I wasn’t sure. But that… that was definitely,  _ definitely  _ them.”

“I can’t believe it!” Tara said. She kissed Emily’s stomach. “Hi my Riley. Hi sweetheart. Oh, you made your mommy and I so happy just now.”

“They responded to your voice, Tara.” Emily said. “That was all you. Riley’s never kicked hard enough for me to feel them until now. They were reacting to you.”

“It’s funny.” Tara said. She gave her wife a sheepish smile. “I’ve been kinda worried that Riley and I would have trouble bonding. I mean, I don’t doubt our baby is going to love us both but you have this connection with Riley that I don’t because you’re literally their lifeline right now, and I was terrified that they would be born and I would have to start from scratch.”

“I don’t think you have anything to worry about in that department.” Emily chuckled. “This little one loves you already, I can feel it.”

Tara smiled. “So can I.” She said. She kissed her wife’s belly one more time. “I love you too, Riley.”

They stayed in bed, satisfied with the promise of an early night, rising only to put on clothing as the evening had become surprisingly chill in the late spring. They talked back and forth for a while about inconsequential things, then Tara resumed her position facing Emily’s growing stomach and began to sing once more, that same song, a testament to her love for the baby girl growing within. Before long, Emily’s breath evened and she began to snore softly. When Tara was certain that her wife was sound asleep and her words would not reach Emily’s subconscious, Tara began whispering in the dark, speaking to her unborn daughter.

“I can’t wait to hold you, Riley.” Tara said. “There are so many things I want to teach you, so many things I want to show you. We’re going to have so much fun, you and me and mommy. I want you to know that I’m always gonna be there to protect you, and I am always,  _ always  _ going to be there when you need me.”

Tara swallowed, emotion overtaking her.

“I love you.” She murmured in the dark. “My sweet girl.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A scary situation threatens Emily’s pregnancy and causes her to make a difficult choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for preterm labor, hospitals, pregnancy complications, discussions of premature birth and infant death, and medical complications.
> 
> Note: While I’m no expert, medical examiners are required to attend medical school and so despite the fact that they may not be considered doctors in the traditional sense, it’s reasonable to believe that they would be able to recognize the signs of preterm labor or another medical emergency.

The pain had seemed innocent enough at first, mild, certainly no cause for alarm. Emily was twenty-two weeks pregnant the first time it happened and she had begun to get used to all the aches and pains associated with pregnancy; the cramps as her uterus stretched and expanded to make room for a growing child, the tenderness of her breasts as they became larger and grew heavy and began preparing to produce milk, the ache in her back at the added weight of her breasts and stomach which only grew more cumbersome the further her pregnancy progressed. If that weren’t enough, Emily’s feet were slightly swollen though her doctor assured her that was normal to a point, and her sleep was now frequently interrupted by her active child stirring within her at all hours of the night and if it wasn’t Riley kicking her awake, it was her need of the restroom which had increased significantly. If Emily was being honest, pregnancy had proven thus far to be exhausting, yet it all seemed worth it to bring hers and Tara’s child into the world, to create life where none had existed before. So Emily learned to dismiss the discomforts that had become a part of her life, her new normal, and for her trouble it nearly cost her Riley’s fragile existence.

It happened on a case, local, thank the gods for some small favors. The pains were inconsistent at first, merely bothersome to her. Per the section chief, Emily wasn’t allowed to assist directly in arrests but up to that point she had been allowed to travel, examine the crime scenes, interview families and persons of interest as well as meeting with local police and medical examiners. As it happened, Emily and Luke were with the medical examiner when the pain she was experiencing became too significant to ignore and too excruciating to hide.

“Whoa!” Luke said as he observed Emily wincing in response to the pain she felt. “Prentiss, you okay?”

“I’m fine.” She groaned. “It’s nothing.”

“Nothing?” He echoed incredulously. “What do you mean it’s nothing? You can barely stand up straight!”

“It’s probably just Braxton-Hicks.” She said.

“Braxton-Hicks? That’s like, uh, false labor, right?” He asked. “I don’t know, Prentiss. I mean, I’m no doctor but I don’t think this is just Braxton-Hicks.”

“Agent Prentiss.” The medical examiner said. “If I may, how frequently are you experiencing contractions?”

“I don’t know.” Emily replied. “Ten minutes maybe? Nine? I haven’t exactly been watching the clock.”

“I see.” The examiner said. “And how far along are you in your pregnancy, Agent Prentiss?”

“Twenty-two weeks.” She responded. “Three days.”

The medical examiner frowned and became visibly concerned. “Okay.” She said. “Agent Prentiss, I’m afraid I have to insist that you go to the hospital.”

“What?” Emily asked. “Why?”

“You need to be seen to determine whether or not you’re in preterm labor.” The M.E. said. “Even if you’re certain that you aren’t, it’s better to be sure.”

“Not to be rude,” Emily said. “But there  _ is  _ a serial killer at large here, if I went to the emergency room and it turned out to be nothing, I’d be wasting time that could’ve been spent trying to catch this guy.”

“I don’t think you understand the seriousness of your situation, Agent Prentiss.” The M.E. said. Her face was grave. “If you choose to wait and do nothing and you  _ are  _ experiencing preterm labor, your unborn child is  _ not  _ viable and it may be too late for doctors to stop labor and prevent delivery.”

Emily’s face paled, as did Luke’s. He turned to her.

“You’re going to the hospital.” He said.

For once in her life, Emily didn’t argue. “Yeah.” She said. “Yeah, can you uh, can you call Tara on the way?”

“Yeah.” Luke said. He turned to the M.E. “I’m sorry.”

“Medical emergencies take precedence.” She said. “I’ll be here a while yet, we can finish discussing the victims once you’ve seen to it that Agent Prentiss has gotten medical attention. I hope it all turns out okay.”

As it turned out, Emily was lucky she went to the hospital when she did. The doctors were able to give her a shot to stop the contractions, she hadn’t begun to dilate at all, thank god, but if she had...Emily felt so  _ stupid  _ for writing the contractions off as nothing, felt burning guilt that her hesitation to go to the hospital could have resulted in the loss of her baby. It was almost too much guilt for her to bear. Tara rushed to her as soon as she had gotten Luke’s phone call, not needing Matt’s reassurance that he could handle talking to the victims’ families himself, with the help of a local officer. Her wife was in trouble, so she dropped everything to be by her side, case and unsub be damned. She arrived just as the on-call obstetrician, a reserved man in his early fifties who had introduced himself as Dr. Ramirez, checked Emily again. Tara didn’t stop, just rushed to Emily’s side, grabbed her hand and squeezed.

“Are you alright?” Tara asked. “Is the baby-?”

“I’m sorry.” Dr. Ramirez said. “I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Dr. Ramirez, and you are-?”

“SSA Tara Lewis.” She replied. “Agent Prentiss’ wife.”

Dr. Ramirez’s eyebrows lifted slightly in surprise but his expression betrayed nothing else. He remained the picture of professionalism.

“I see.” He said. “Well luckily, we were able to stop your wife’s contractions with medication. I want to keep her here a little while longer for observation, but after a few hours with no recurrence, I see no reason to keep Agent Prentiss here overnight.”

“Oh thank god.” Emily said with a sigh. “Today was a nightmare, I can’t wait to go home.”

Dr. Ramirez held up a finger. “That being said.” He continued. “I cannot overstate the seriousness of your situation. Had we been unable to prevent you from going into full labor, Agent Prentiss, your baby would most likely have died minutes after birth, if they had survived the labor at all.”

Emily swallowed but remained silent.

“If by some chance, your baby was one of a third of infants born at twenty-two weeks who survived and responded to treatment,” Dr. Ramirez’s face was serious, his tone severe. “There’s a significant chance that your child would suffer from severe disabilities as a result of such a premature birth.”

“Okay.” Tara said. “What do we do to keep this from happening again?”

“To put it simply, you need to slow down.” He acknowledged Tara’s question but his attention was focused on Emily. “Agent Prentiss, your age alone classifies you as high risk. Complications such as these make it even more concerning. If you want to continue this pregnancy and give your child the best chances of reaching term, it is  _ vital  _ that you not put your body under any more strain than necessary.”

“What does that mean?” Emily asked. “With all due respect, I can’t just  _ stop.  _ I have a job.”

“A job that can make accommodations.” Dr. Ramirez replied. “Especially if you have written doctor’s orders.”

Emily raised an eyebrow. “Such as?”

“For now, light duty.” He said. “You can consult by phone or video chat, but no field work and  _ no  _ travel. If possible, I’d recommend working from home at least partially, maybe two or three days a week.”

“Light duty?” She said incredulously. “That’s  _ desk  _ duty! I’m the unit chief! How am I supposed to do my job if I’m stuck in my office for the next four months?”

“I understand that it’s not ideal.” Dr. Ramirez said. He spoke in the way doctors often did in an attempt to keep their patients calm. “But if this happens again, the next step would be bed rest, either at home or in the hospital and I think we can all agree that that option would be best left as a last resort.”

Emily opened her mouth to argue but stopped when Tara shot her a look that told her that she should choose her next words  _ very  _ carefully. She swallowed hard and then nodded her head.

“Okay.” She said. “I’ll talk to my boss and see what arrangements can be made.”

Dr. Ramirez nodded. “And I’ll be sure to put it in writing that this course of treatment was recommended by a medical professional. If your superiors have any questions, they can contact me.”

The doctor finished what he was doing and excused himself to tend to his other patients. He had barely left the room before Emily let her mask of careful composure fall away and she dissolved into tears. Tara cupped Emily’s face and kissed her forehead.

“Hey, hey.” Tara soothed. “It’s okay.”

“It’s  _ not  _ okay!” Emily spluttered. She was damn near hysterical. “I almost killed our baby and now… I don’t know what I’m gonna  _ do!  _ I can’t push papers for eighteen more weeks, I’ll go crazy!”

“Emily, Emily…” Tara said. She knew her wife  _ hated  _ when she used her psychologist’s voice on her, but she also knew when she needed to use it and right now, she  _ definitely  _ needed to use it. “I need you to take deep breaths for me. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Just breathe for me, okay?”

Emily obeyed, her breathing was shaky at first, then much more even as she calmed. After a moment, her breaths were normal and she seemed much more relaxed. Silent tears still ran down her cheeks but she could be reasoned with, at least.

“First things first.” Tara said. “You did  _ not  _ almost kill our baby. Preterm labor  _ isn’t  _ something that you or I have control over. This was a scary situation but we got it under control. Riley is safe.”

“Riley is safe.” Emily repeated. “Our baby’s safe.”

“Good.” Tara said. She gave Emily a soft, reassuring smile. “Okay, now I need you to listen to me, and this is the part that you’re  _ not  _ gonna like.”

“I know what you’re gonna tell me.” Emily said. “And I know that it must seem like I’m being difficult on purpose but I’m  _ not!  _ I  _ swear _ ! I just don’t know if I can  _ do  _ this! I’m not  _ good  _ at slowing down, standing still. You know that! What he’s asking of me…”

“I get it.” Tara said. “It’s not in your nature and any other time, I wouldn’t expect you to listen. But I  _ know  _ how much you love Riley.”

“I  _ do  _ love Riley.” Emily whispered. “I love Riley more than anything. More than my own life.”

“I know you do, and that’s exactly why you  _ need  _ to listen.” Tara said. “Right now, your body is Riley’s home and they need you to take  _ care  _ of that home because it’s just too soon for them to be born.”

“I was so scared, Tara.” Emily said. “If something had happened, I would have never forgiven myself.”

“I know you were scared.” Tara kissed her forehead again. “I was scared too. But I also know that you’re an  _ amazing  _ mother to Riley already and I know that you would do  _ anything  _ for that baby, which is why I need you to try.  _ Riley  _ needs you to try.”

Emily swallowed. “Okay.” She said. “Okay, I’ll try. I’ll do it for Riley, because  _ they  _ need me to.”

She touched a hand to her growing bump and rubbed it gently. If Riley was at all aware of just how close she had come to disaster, she showed no sign of it. She kicked Emily, responding to her mother’s touch. Riley was more active with every passing day and while Emily didn’t always appreciate it when Riley kept her up at night, or when her growing child pressed down on her bladder, she delighted in the sense that Riley was  _ there.  _ Emily had never felt a love so intense, and that love fueled a desire to protect Riley any way she could. If that meant staying out of the field and delegating more of her work then so be it. She could not and  _ would not _ risk the life of her unborn child, a child so wanted and prayed for and so,  _ so  _ loved already that the possibility of that child never coming home was unbearable. There was no other option.

The coming weeks would be difficult, bordering on torturous for Emily. Taking it easy was  _ not  _ in her vocabulary but for Riley, she would. For Riley, she would learn to take it easy, to ask for help and relinquish a little bit of the control that she had learned to cling so tightly to over the years. It went against all of Emily’s instincts and there would be many days and nights where she would have to lean on Tara, cry on her shoulder and let her wife remind her what and  _ who  _ she was doing it for. For Riley, for their baby who needed her and depended on her for survival, and it was the thought of Riley that would give her strength.

For Riley, she would move mountains and for Riley, it would all be worth it.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily’s condition worsens but a phone call from an old friend reminds her of what’s important.

Emily lasted all of a month before the contractions started again, landing her in the hospital for another shot to stop them and this time, she was ordered to strict bed rest at home with the promise that if her contractions returned a third time, she would have to remain in the hospital for the duration of her pregnancy. She had cried silently the entire drive home, clutching Tara’s hand. Settling down as much as she had to even  _ get  _ to twenty-six weeks had been hard enough, now she could only get up to use the restroom or get something to eat if Tara wasn’t home to do that  _ for  _ her. She had to use a  _ shower chair  _ just to stay clean, which served the dual purpose of making her feel geriatric  _ and  _ helpless. It was maddening. It would have been difficult for anyone and for Emily, it made her feel like she had lost any remaining vestiges of her independence and she quickly found herself becoming more and more depressed as reality set in.

For her part, Tara was a saint, when she was able to be home she rarely left her wife’s side. The problem was that she wasn’t  _ always  _ able to be home, not with the unit being down their chief, though JJ stepped into the role without complaint. It was simply too much work. The team was amazing too, her first week at home they surprised her with so many pre-cooked meals that Tara could barely fit them all in the freezer. Matt, Kristy, and Rossi had done the bulk of the cooking, but there were more than a few in there from Garcia and Alvez too. Not to be outdone, Will had declared that he had volunteered for the morning shift whenever the team was out on a case.

“Can’t have you skipping out on breakfast when you’re eating for two, now can we?” He drawled. “Besides, the boys love any excuse to come see their favorite aunt.”

“Oh, that’s sweet.” She said. “But you don’t have to do that, I can pour my own cereal.”

“None of that, now!” Will said. “Tara said you can finally keep real food down and we gotta make sure this little one gets all them chubby baby rolls they’re supposed to have when they’re first born.”

“He has a point, Em.” JJ cracked. “It sounds crazy but there’s just something so  _ kissable  _ about squishy, chubby baby cheeks.”

“I really hope you’re talking about their face.” Tara said and Emily wasn’t sure if she was joking or not.

Garcia made sure to video chat with her as often as humanly possible and Reid, bless his heart, kept bringing her books and word searches to keep her busy. Still, it was lonely. Emily found herself sleeping a lot when Tara and the team were away on a case, and even though she filled her days with books and movies and all manner of other things, there were only so many bad reality shows and steamy romance novels to distract her from her rather dismal reality. What was worse was she was pretty sure that the team had noticed how low her spirits had gotten and had begun talking about it amongst themselves. She had already had to talk Derek down from packing up Savannah and Hank and taking an extended vacation to see her, and when she was twenty-eight weeks pregnant and two weeks into what she had not so lovingly begun to refer to as house arrest, she got a phone call from a very concerned, if a little miffed Aaron Hotchner.

“Prentiss, I didn’t even know you were expecting.” He chided her gently. “You could have at least sent an email. I had to hear it from Dave.”

“I’m sorry.” She sighed. “Although to be fair, I’ve been a little bit preoccupied. What with the puking my guts out for the first half of this thing and now not being able to leave my house and all.”

“Haley hated the bed rest too.” He said. “Said it was torture and that if it weren’t for Jack’s benefit, she would have lost her mind.”

“How is Jack?” She asked. “I miss him.”

“He’s doing well.” Hotch said. “He has a girlfriend now.”

“What?” Emily exclaimed. “Isn’t he still a bit young?”

“Well, not anymore.” He said. “Of course, what do I know? I’m his dad, I’ll always think he’s too young.”

“God, it’s just so hard to believe he’s the same little boy whose soccer games I used to go to.” She said. 

“It’ll be worse when it’s yours.” He said. “Do you know what you’re having yet?”

“No, I wanted it to be a surprise.” She said. “Tara knows, though. She’s so cute, she’s always talking to the baby or singing songs.”

“She’s in love.” Hotch said. “With you  _ and  _ your child. It’s funny, after being a profiler for so long, I still didn’t see  _ that  _ relationship coming until Dave clued me in.”

“What are you talking about?” Emily said. “It’s not like you were able to  _ witness  _ it with your own eyes.”

“Maybe not.” He said. “But Lewis had stars in her eyes from the first time she met you. JJ gave her a bit of a hard time about it for a while.”

“What?” She laughed. “You’re kidding!”

“I swear, I’m not.” He said. “For about a month after that, she could  _ not _ stop talking about you and JJ kept teasing her saying that if you ever broke up with Mark, she was going to set you two up so Lewis would stop with her infatuated schoolgirl routine.”

“Oh man.” She said. “You know I’m never gonna let her live this one down, right?”

Hotch laughed, an honest to god laugh. 

“I wouldn’t expect anything less of you.”

When Tara got home the following night and wandered into the bedroom, stopping to kick off her shoes and place them in the closet before she sat down on the edge of the bed to kiss first Emily and then her ever growing stomach, Emily could barely bite back the smirk that was threatening to spread across her face and give her away completely.

“Honey, I’m home.” Tara said jokingly, her nose scrunching up in that adorable way she had.

“Really?” Emily teased. “I hadn’t noticed.”

Tara rolled her eyes. “How are you feeling?”

“Huge.” Emily said. “You need to have a word with your offspring, they think it’s funny to do water aerobics on my bladder so I have to pee every fifteen minutes.”

Tara laughed then leaned in to kiss her again. Emily loved these little games they played, loved that even though they had been together for quite some time now they could still flirt and it felt just as magical as when their relationship had been new. Sure, they had their stagnant periods, stretches where the relationship seemed to plateau but both women had gotten pretty good at recognizing them and making an effort to add some variety into their routine before they could grow too complacent. Yes, maintaining a marriage was work, but unlike before Tara when the mere thought of marriage made Emily want to groan, she found that she didn’t mind the effort. Sometimes it could even be  _ fun.  _ Emily grinned in spite of herself, suddenly remembering her conversation with Hotch. She rarely ever teased Tara about her seemingly endless devotion, it wasn’t stifling the way it had felt in some of her past relationships, and there was something to be said for someone who made her feel truly cherished and valued. Tara was one to dote and Emily adored it, but the information she had recently acquired was simply too good for her to not have a bit of fun with.

“What’s that smile for?” Tara asked. “You look like you’re up to something.”

“Nothing.” Emily said, feigning innocence for a moment longer. “How are you? How was the case?”

“More of the same.” Tara said. “Unsub went out in a hail of bullets but we’d profiled that he would do that before he let himself get taken into custody.”

“You look tired.” Emily noted. “I worry about you, you know. You’re not as tough as you pretend you are.”

Tara smirked. “I could say the same about you.” She said. “You put up a pretty good front but I see you, I know all about that tender heart of yours, Prentiss.”

Emily made a face. “Ugh, don’t last name me.” She said. “You know, maybe I should take  _ your  _ name.”

_ “That  _ would be fun to try and do after two years.” Tara said. “I’d love to be a fly on the wall while you explained to the brass why you suddenly decided you wanted to abandon the name you built your career with in favor of becoming Mrs. Emily Lewis.”

Emily felt her heart flutter at the sound of it. Their reasons for keeping their names had been purely pragmatic, both she and Tara were already well-established when they had decided to get married and it had seemed silly for either of them to change it when they had been going by their maiden names for nearly five decades at that point. Still, the way it had sounded in her wife’s mouth, how those words,  _ Mrs. Emily Lewis  _ had rolled off of Tara’s tongue so easily made it so Emily was tempted to just do it anyway. She made a mental note to return to the idea later when she wasn’t awash with love and hormones from carrying hers and Tara’s child so she could be certain that her judgment wasn’t being clouded by either lovesickness nor pregnancy. Besides, she had other goals for the evening.

“Hotch called the other day.” She said casually. “I forgot to tell him I was pregnant,  _ that  _ got me an earful.”

“Oh?” Tara said. “Who told him?”

“Dave did.” Emily replied. “Which probably didn’t help. I bet he was a little  _ too  _ happy about knowing something that Hotch didn’t. Hotch said to tell you hi, by the way.”

“I miss him.” Tara said. “Maybe once all this is over, we can try and get him to come out for a visit.”

“Maybe.” Emily paused and cleared her throat. There was a wicked glint in her eye. “You know, when we were talking, Hotch said something pretty interesting.”

Tara quirked an eyebrow. “I see.” She said. “And what  _ exactly  _ did he say that was so interesting, my love?”

“I’ll tell you.” Emily said. “If you tell  _ me  _ something.”

“Okay.” Tara frowned. She had clearly begun to grow suspicious. “What do you want to know?”

“Nothing crazy.” Emily said casually. “I’m just curious why you never told me that you had a massive crush on me from the moment we met.”

Tara’s jaw went slack and though it was difficult to tell, Emily thought she might’ve been blushing.

“Uh, I uh- what?” Tara stammered. She was clearly thrown by the question and though Emily felt slightly bad, it was so unusual to see her normally calm and collected wife get flustered the way she clearly was that it made Emily want to laugh. Not in a mean way, she was just so  _ cute  _ when she was flustered.

“Oh yeah.” Emily pressed further. “He said that even though  _ he  _ didn’t make the connection right away, it was pretty obvious to everyone else. Something about how you wouldn’t shut up about me for weeks and JJ concocting schemes to get us together if I ever dumped Mark so she wouldn’t have to hear it.”

“I didn’t talk about you  _ that  _ much.” Tara said defensively. “And even if I  _ did,  _ need I point out that we’re now  _ married  _ with a baby on the way?”

“It’s okay.” Emily said with a grin. “You don’t have to be embarrassed, I think it’s sweet. I just never took you for being the ‘love at first sight’ type.”

“I’m usually not.” Tara said. “Would it be totally cheesy if I said you were just special?”

“Just a little.” Emily said. “If it makes you feel better, I  _ definitely  _ had some thoughts about you.”

“You did?” Tara asked. “Such as-?”

“Well, I thought you were gorgeous but that’s a given.” Emily said. “But I also caught myself thinking that if I were single, I wouldn’t have minded burying my face between those pretty legs.”

“Oh come on.” Tara laughed. “No you did not.”

“I did so!” Emily replied. “I also had a few dirty dreams after that. God, I felt  _ so  _ guilty about that too. Here I was with Mark laying next me in bed while I was fantasizing about this woman I had only met once in my entire life. I felt like such a cheater!”

“So you were horny for me and have the nerve to give me shit for having a crush?” Tara said with mock outrage. “Unbelievable. At least I had the courtesy to wait until you were back at the unit permanently to start having sex dreams about you.”

“Such a gentlewoman.” Emily teased. “So how long did you wait til you started touching yourself when you thought about me like that, hm?”

As she said the words, Emily’s hand brushed Tara’s inner thigh. She leaned in and nipped at Tara’s lips, not quite kissing them. Tara gave in to the teasing just a little bit, capturing her wife’s mouth with her own and moaning when Emily’s tongue parted her lips and brushed against hers. She broke away suddenly and pressed her forehead against Emily’s. Her breathing was noticeably heavy and her pulse raced.

“Em, babe.” She said. “You know what the doctor said.”

“She said that  _ I  _ couldn’t have sex because it could cause me to go into labor.” Emily replied. “She never told me that I couldn’t touch  _ you  _ or watch you touch yourself.”

“If you can’t get off, I’m not asking for any.” Tara said firmly. “It’s not fair to you.”

“I love you.” Emily said. “But I need you to stop being sweet and altruistic so I can take off your pants.”

Tara laughed a little and then she obliged because she loved Emily, wanted to do anything she could for her wife and these days, that was a pretty short list. So if Emily wanted  _ her,  _ even though Tara had been happy to go without as a show of solidarity, she wasn’t going to deny her that. Later as she lie in bed, her legs still trembling after Emily had succeeded in bringing her to orgasm  _ several  _ times, enough times that Tara had needed to change the sheets after, she couldn’t deny that giving Emily what she wanted had worked out in her favor to the extreme. Even so, lust melted into love when they laid down beside one another that night, Emily curling into Tara’s arms like they were her sanctuary, that Tara was hit for the thousandth time over the course of their relationship with the sense that  _ this  _ was what it was like to be with someone you loved. That peace and the feeling of it suddenly making sense why it never worked out with anyone else. Emily was a fire in the hearth of Tara’s heart that would keep her warm for the rest of her days, and Tara was Emily’s port in the storm that had ravaged her for so many years. Their love was the solid, lasting type of love and it would be what they clung to in the dark days that lingered on the horizon.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tara and Emily have an honest conversation about their fears.

The plan had been to do some dishes, go grocery shopping, and cook dinner. It was a simple enough to-do list, even though Tara was the one bearing the brunt of the household responsibilities, it wasn’t anything she couldn’t handle in a few hours.

That was before she heard crying coming from the bedroom that had been the sum total of her wife’s world for the past four weeks.

Tara’s heart leapt into her throat and she hurried back to the room where Emily lay sobbing, tears streaming down her cheeks and dripping off of her chin. At thirty weeks pregnant, Emily’s belly had grown a considerable amount but she somehow managed to reach over and clutch at her legs, her expression a mixture of pain and frustration.

“What’s wrong?” Tara asked.

“My goddamn  _ legs  _ are cramping again.” Emily said through her tears. “They hurt so bad and I can’t even walk around long enough to stretch them without being scared that I’ll go into labor! My back is aching, my boobs are sore, I can’t get comfortable anymore and I feel like a beached _ whale  _ just lying here!”

“You’re not a whale.” Tara said. “You’re pregnant and you’re tired and nothing is going right and I’m sorry.”

“I’m so angry!” Emily choked. “I didn’t know that it would be this  _ hard  _ and then I feel so  _ guilty  _ because I know the baby can  _ feel  _ it and what if they think that I’m mad at them or that it’s their fault that this is happening? What if they think I don’t  _ want  _ them anymore? Or that I don’t love them, or- or-“

“Stop.” Tara said firmly. She grasped Emily by the shoulders and Emily buried her face in Tara’s chest, fresh tears pouring out of her. Tara sighed. She had known that Emily was feeling depressed over her situation and honestly, who  _ wouldn’t  _ be? But she hadn’t known that it had gotten so bad. She pulled out her phone and hastily typed a message out to Luke.

_ TL: Hey, if I put in a grocery order could you pick it up and drop it off at our house? I’d owe you one! _

_ LA: Yeah sure. Everything okay?? _

_ TL: Loaded question. _

_ LA: The baby’s not coming is it? _

_ TL: You think I’d be texting you if she was? _

_ LA: Okay fine. Is Em okay though? _

_ TL: She’s having a rough day. I was gonna get some stuff done but I think she needs me here. _

_ LA: Say no more, Alvez Delivery Service is open for business! _

_ TL: Thank you so much! _

_ LA: No worries! _

_ LA: Wait...did you say  _ **_she??_ **

_ TL: ...I plead the fifth… _

_ LA: I  _ **_knew_ ** _ it! _

_ TL: Please don’t tell Emily. _

_ TL: The sex  _ **_or_ ** _ that I accidentally told you. _

_ TL: Luke seriously please. _

_ LA: Your secret is safe with me ;] _

Tara closed out of her phone and set it on the nightstand. She kissed the top of Emily’s head and ran a hand down her back before lifting Emily’s chin and brushing the tears from her face with a thumb.

“Lie back.” Tara said. “I’m gonna see if rubbing your legs helps you any.”

“I thought-“ Emily sniffled. “I thought you had errands?”

Tara shook her head. “You’re more important.”

She kissed Emily again and positioned herself so that Emily’s legs rested on her lap. Tara set to work gently massaging them, from the foot up to the mid-thigh. Emily, who had started out tense, visibly relaxed as Tara worked, taking special care with her wife’s calves and making sure that every touch of her skilled hands was  _ helping  _ rather than hurting. Still, Tara could sense the sadness that lingered in Emily, who sighed and closed her eyes, her head resting against the headboard of the bed.

“I feel like such a burden.” Emily’s voice wavered. “You can’t get anything done because you’re too busy taking care of me every day.”

Tara leaned over and kissed her. “You are  _ not  _ a burden.” She said. “You are  _ beautiful  _ and it’s my  _ job  _ to take care of you. I vowed to be with you in sickness and in health, til death do us part, remember?”

“You don’t have to pretend so you don’t hurt my feelings.” Emily said. “I  _ know  _ this hasn’t been easy.”

“It  _ hasn’t  _ been easy.” Tara agreed. “But when I start feeling frustrated or overwhelmed, I remind myself that for every  _ one  _ thing I’ve had to give up, you’re giving up  _ ten.  _ You’ve had to give up  _ everything  _ for this baby, if you can do that, I can make a few sacrifices myself.”

“I just don’t know if I can  _ do  _ this for ten more weeks!” Emily exclaimed. “I don’t even have control over my own  _ body  _ anymore! I feel so selfish for even thinking that but  _ everything  _ I do has a potential consequence!”

Tara shook her head. “I don’t think that’s selfish.” She said. “It’s understandable. You’re used to being independent and now you can’t be.”

“Tara, you know I love you.” Emily sighed. “But right now I don’t want your- your...unfailing optimism!”

“Okay…” Tara said slowly. “Care to clarify that?”

“I just mean…” Emily said. “I know you’re trying to keep me from going  _ completely  _ off the deep end and I appreciate that! I really do! But…right now...I want to hear the stuff that makes you angry, and sad. Maybe it’ll make me feel a little less guilty if I see that you’re human too, not just Superwife.”

Normally, Tara would have chuckled at the nickname, one Emily had taken to using since she had been on bed rest and Tara had added ‘caretaker’ as a role in addition to ‘wife’. Instead, the words gave her pause. She’d known that Emily was frustrated and that she felt helpless, but she had never considered that her attempts to stay upbeat and put on a brave face might have the  _ opposite  _ of their intended effect on her wife. Tara pondered her wife’s words for a moment longer then sighed, nodding her head.

“Okay.” She said. “You want the truth? I feel like a fraud. I thought that if I could just be strong enough and not let any of this get to me, I could help you. That if I was  _ brave  _ enough, you wouldn’t be so scared. I had no idea that I was making things worse for you.”

“You’re not as slick as you think.” Emily said softly, touching her wife’s face. “You could have the biggest smile on your face but even  _ I’m  _ not so far gone that I don’t notice when it doesn’t reach your eyes.”

Tara chuckled sadly. “I guess I should have known better.” She said. “Thinking you wouldn’t see right through me.”

“I’d be a pretty shitty profiler if I hadn’t.” Emily replied with a smile. “I know you’re trying to help, Tara, but I’m not a porcelain doll. You don’t have to pretend that everything’s okay. I  _ know  _ it’s not.”

“You’re going through so much already.” Tara said, her voice practically a whisper. “And it’s partly my fault.”

“Stop that.” Emily rolled her eyes. “You didn’t tie me to a chair and force me to go through with the transfer.”

“I pushed for it.” Tara said. “I convinced you to do it even though you had pretty  _ reasonable  _ concerns and look what happened! You were right!”

“Maybe.” Emily said. “I wasn’t  _ all  _ right, though.”

“What do you mean?” Tara laughed mirthlessly.

“I didn’t think we’d even get pregnant.” Emily said and took her hand. “But we did. And I was  _ terrified  _ that we would have a miscarriage but we didn’t. I’m still worried about having this baby too soon but I  _ also  _ know that if we  _ had  _ to deliver Riley tomorrow, their chances of survival would be pretty good.”

“You’re starting to sound like me.”

“You must’ve rubbed off on me.” Emily laughed. “God, I know I’ve been a pill lately, but I don’t like feeling like you’re walking on eggshells around me.”

“I know.” Tara said. “I’m sorry.”

Emily lifted Tara by the chin. “I don’t want you to  _ hide  _ from me.” She said. “I’m your  _ wife.  _ If you can’t be honest with me then who  _ can  _ you be honest with?”

“You have a point.” Tara said, daring the smallest of smiles. “I’m just so scared of  _ worrying  _ you or making you feel bad that I just...keep it to myself, I guess.”

“Well, I mean don’t go out of your way to  _ hurt  _ my feelings.” Emily smirked. “Just…don’t be afraid to let the mask fall, you know?”

Tara nodded. She exhaled slowly. “I’m scared.” She said finally. “Scared and angry, I feel like nothing I do is enough. I want to help you but I don’t know how. I feel powerless and I hate that.”

“You've been talking in your sleep.” Emily said. “Mostly gibberish but whatever you’re dreaming about lately doesn’t sound good. You sound anxious.”

“I guess I am, a little.” Tara said. “It’s...a lot. And it’s been...bringing up bad memories for me.”

Emily nodded and bit her lip. “Do you wanna talk about it?” 

“Not yet.” Tara said. “Someday, just not right now. There’s still a few things I haven’t told you yet.”

“You didn’t live a year getting close to an international terrorist by pretending to be his lover under a false identity,” Emily cracked. “Then have to fake your death for seven months when he came after you, did you?”

_ That  _ got a genuine laugh out of Tara.

“No! Definitely not.” She chuckled. “That scope of experience is unique to you, my love.”

“See?” Emily grinned. “I might be a hot mess who looks more like a mountain than a mom-to-be, but I can  _ still  _ manage to make you laugh.”

Tara scoffed. “Shut up!” She said. “If you’re a mountain, I’ve developed some  _ really  _ weird fetishes.”

“I feel like I  _ swallowed  _ a mountain.” Emily said, scowling at her stomach. “You know, I’m gonna be  _ pissed _ if this kid comes out and they’re tiny.”

“I don’t think we can control that.” Tara said. “And for what it’s worth, I think you’re  _ very  _ sexy.”

Emily opened her mouth for another self-deprecating joke when she caught the look in Tara’s eyes. It looked an awful lot like longing. It made her feel warm inside. Emily hadn’t made it a secret how difficult the changes her body was constantly undergoing were to get used to, but the fact that Tara still looked at her like that, still  _ desired  _ her did more for Emily’s confidence than she cared to admit. She cleared her throat.

“I miss you, you know.” Emily said. “Being with you.”

“I miss you too.” Tara said. She leaned in close and pressed her lips to Emily’s. “Not being able to touch you has used up every ounce of my self-restraint.”

Emily’s face felt hot and she tried to ignore the feelings that her wife’s words stirred up in her, tried to shut out the lust that she knew she would only have to deny. Riley kicked within her, it almost felt like an admonishment. Emily chuckled.

“Our own little chastity belt.” She said. Then she let out a sigh. “We’re gonna be okay, aren’t we?”

Tara smiled and snuggled up next to Emily. All thoughts of cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping had left her mind. They could order in yet again, and the dishes would still be in the sink come morning. Today, this was going to have to be enough.

“Yeah.” Tara said. “We’re gonna be okay.”


End file.
